A Woman Worth Her Weight in Gold

I was recently discussing or rather, maligning, the institution of marriage with a friend of mine. We both firmly believe that marriage is for schmucks, or for that lucky guy who finds a woman who has both money and the desire to support him with it. Anyway, we were casually joking about how we'd never marry an overweight woman (or American woman...we use the terms "fat" and "American" interchangeably a lot when we talk). But then my friend started making foolish exceptions saying, "I'd be willing to deal with a few extra pounds if she could cook." Similar admonitions were made for other skills such as cleaning, laundry, dishes, or if she was RICH. Rich seems to be the kicker. Apparently we're both so shallow (honest as I like to call it) that we'd be willing to act like just about any woman on the planet and overlook a certain amount of fat and slovenliness in exchange for a fat bank account and the prospect of being a stay-at-home couch dad. It seems that even I have my price. My weight limit for prospective mates is around 120 pounds. In reality that number has tended to be slightly flexible, but not by much, so 120 is a good average figure (literally). So anyway, as we continued joking I told my friend that if I were going to marry a woman that's a pound over 120, she'd "have to be worth her weight in gold." Of course, it was scarcely a moment later when I realized that I MUST KNOW WHAT THAT NUMBER IS. I quickly set myself to the task of figuring out this simple equation, and within about 30 seconds, with the help of Google, I determined that the absolute minimum an overweight woman would have to be worth to even get me to entertain the idea of marrying her is $2,165,664. And that's if she's just 1 microgram over 120 pounds. My friend and I laughed over this fact as I then determined that each additional pound would cost my sugar mama exactly $19,647.20 at current gold prices.

I suggest other men use this as their standard. It's simple, it's fair, and it's damned funny. It's guaranteed to get any college-age woman to use the word "Misogynist" (or "dickhead" depending on how well she did in school). Anyone else that wants to figure out what an overweight woman would have to be worth for you to marry her using my "worth her weight in gold" standard, just take the maximum number of pounds that you'd consider NOT overweight (which in my example was 120), multiply that by 16 to convert it to ounces, then multiply by the current market price of gold per ounce. That's your lower price limit. From there, the number goes up quickly for each extra pound so dream big. This is the United States after all -- the sky is really the limit on how fat a woman can be here in the good ol'US of A. Go America!

I strongly encourage you to share this info with your lady friends. If you can pull it off without getting slapped or violently sighed at you are:

• A. Rich
• B. Attractive
• C. Both A & B
• D. With a woman whose bills you pay

NOTE: The author's girlfriend laughed when he read this to her. Then she had sex with him. The author rests his case.